Gone But Not Forgotten
by alibi2014
Summary: Is it worse to lose someone you love, or the ability to remember them?


Disclaimer: I don't own Teen Titans. If I did there would be better Cyborg episodes.

Beast Boy's POV

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For the longest time after she died I couldn't picture her face. I could see her body- her lean legs, her muscular arms, her fingers with the dirt underneath the nail. And I could see individual parts of her face: her summer-sky blue eyes, her startlingly bright blond hair, her lips, always full of emotion. But I couldn't put it all together, couldn't put the pieces in the right places to form Terra's image in my mind. 

Sometimes I would go look at her, at her body turned to stone, in hopes that it would jog my memory, but it never helped. If anything it made it harder to get past that hard exterior and see the girl I loved so much.

For days, weeks, I would sit on the rocks outside the Tower with my feet in the water, trying to find her face in the sea or in the clouds. I thought being there, where I first got to know her, where she told me her biggest secret, would help. But it only made me cringe inside. I keep on going over that conversation again and again. I promised to keep her secret, promised not to tell another soul, living or dead, that she couldn't control her powers. And I didn't. I never told anyone. But Robin, he's smart like that, and has a way of figuring out everyone's secrets. Did she die still thinking that I had betrayed her trust? I've lost countless nights' sleep dwelling on that question, and I hope to God the answer is no.

I looked at pictures of her. We don't have many, as they were all put into storage after she left us for Slade, but I have a couple in my room that I keep hidden in a drawer. Some of them are of the two of us, some are of the team, and there's one just of her. Her hair is flowing out behind her and her smile is so happy it makes me beam. But I couldn't see her in those photographs. I couldn't connect the girl in those images with the one who had given her life to save the city.

After a month of being able to picture everyone in the world except for her, I got angry. Angry that, even after all I had been through, after seeing the girl I loved turn to the dark side, after needing to fight her, after being with her in those last few moments before she died, I wasn't even able to see her face.

I stamped out to the shore and picked up handfuls of rocks, throwing them into the water one at a time, and screamed out at her.

"Why, Terra? Why did you have to leave me? Why did you have to be so damn heroic? Why couldn't you just have come back with us? Why did you have to stay and get yourself killed? How could you have done that to me, after betraying us in the first place? How could you have gone with Slade? How could you have lied to us?" I picked up another handful of rocks and began pelting them at the water again. "Why did you hate us so much? Why didn't you trust me when I said I'd never tell? Why did you leave me and come back just to leave me again?"

I grabbed another bunch of stones and was looking for something to throw them at when I saw my reflection in the water. I pulled my arm back, ready to hit my mirror image with everything I had, when I froze. There in the water was the image I had been trying to see since I had lost the real thing. There in the water was Terra, my Terra, smiling back at me. As soon as it had appeared it was gone but when I closed my eyes she was still there, still smiling at me the way she had when I first met her, the way she had when she told me that it's never too late to change.

I realized I had been trying to picture Terra not as she really was but as someone who was perfect, flawless. And Terra may have been a lot of things but she definitely was not flawless. Even though in my eyes she redeemed herself, the fact remains that she did betray us to Slade and tried to kill each one of us. I think she was lost, but she should have trusted us. She should have trusted me. Now I can see her when I dream at night. Sometimes I have dreams about that first time we showed her the Tower, and in those dreams she's so fresh, so happy. But other times I have nightmares about when she came back as Slade's apprentice, and in those scenarios all I see are her murderous glowing eyes. I know now that although she redeemed herself, she can't take back what she did, or tried to do. None of us can.

It's been so long since she went. Week turned into months and months turned into years but I've never forgotten her. Seasons changed, we faced new villains, the city forgot about her, but there hasn't been a single day that she hasn't crossed my mind. And now no matter what, no matter if we ever find a way to bring her back or if she stays stone for all of eternity, I'll always be able to see her face. I'll never go another day without seeing her. And whether that is my blessing or my curse I will never know, but I've said it once and I'll say it again: I'll never forget her.

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I don't love the title but it was all I could come up with. I've got a multi-chapter Terra fic almost ready to go; hopefully it'll be up by next week. Please read and review. Thanks! Oh, and "Go" is on tonight! I'm so excited! 


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